i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
