I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
