apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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