I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
