I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
