He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i love accidental penises.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize