I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
