I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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