yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
