some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
