it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
