She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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