speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
