It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
