So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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