i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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