Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
