based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
