Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
