I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
