***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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