YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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