I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
