Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
