I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
