dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
