Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
