this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
