The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
