Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There r osticjed everywhere
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
