its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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