it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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