Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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