So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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