It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
