dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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