In the future we'll all be gay
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
