the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
