Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
