i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
