I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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