forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
