I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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