census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
