i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
