Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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