You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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