Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
