thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
