my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
