You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
