he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
