the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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