I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
